I've come to understand that being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis 20 years ago is the physical manifestation of my my mind and body dissonance. And to compensate for that, I not only was changing my thought patterns to match an individual with a central nervous system condition, but I also made physical adjustments. I shifted the way I stood, walked and moved. Over time this led to increased debilitation. I kept blaming it on the progression of my scoliosis I was diagnosed with at age 14. But in years of reflection I came to understand that because I was trying so hard to not become like my parents or family and shunning the expectations of my culture and society as a whole, I didn't become more of myself, rather I just avoided being like anyone else.
I had been in an unknown state of disillusionment for years! It's coming to the realization that your life has been a lie, a facade, and everything you believe or think is immediately put into question.
This was a whole different level and type of awakening! The strong being inside, my Soul, had been trapped for years under the pile of clothes in the corner of my life.
That's it! That's what the past 8 years of my spiritual journey has been about; cleaning up that pile so that Nicole can be seen.
Seems straightforward enough, right? Nope! I lost sight of myself long ago and centered my identity around the idea that I'm so myself because I'm not like "you". When I say it out loud, it sounds ridiculous and laughable. An identity cannot just be the absence of something. What were my beliefs? What did I stand for? Who do I want to be?
I don't ask these questions to conform or be validated, but to get closer to self-actualization. My mind instantly thought, so were the past years all fake? Did I embark on a quest that just took my in a circle back to my original point? Yes is the simple answer, however, not in vain.
It's like having a rebirth without having to physically die. Those patterns and mindsets that held me back died so that the real me has the opportunity to shine through.
Now I start the next level of my journey where I begin from a point of more full awareness and knowing. That wish of, I wish I knew what I know now and can do it all over, is my current reality. The only one that can hold me back is me. So the trajectory won't be circular, but upward.
